i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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