New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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