Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
