Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
