She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
