I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize