where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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