i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
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