I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
