I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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