I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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