mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
