im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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