I'm lost and stupid without you.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
