Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
