Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
