If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
