census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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