Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize