when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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