Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
