glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
sex in a hospital.. check
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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