I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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