you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
