When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
