I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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