just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
