I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize