Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize