Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I want a musical about memes.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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