im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
