If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
