someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Randomize
