so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
