Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
