So drunk its hurt
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
