i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
