The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Randomize
