why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
