Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Fuck me I smell like cheese
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
