I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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