Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Randomize
