im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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