Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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