nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
