I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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