Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
