Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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