My cat gives me a boner
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
organizing the empties. That sober.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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