I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
