trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
tell me about the eggs
Randomize