we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
