is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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