I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
