just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
