so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Come see our sink grown plant.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
We have so much sex to catch up on
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Randomize
