well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
