I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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