Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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